To You,

You are the one thing on my mind recently.I will never forget about you. If you would have looked more like him or me. If i made the right decision. I do hope you forgive me. I swear on everything i love i thought it would be best for you. If you knew what i had to deal with i doubt you would have wanted to be here for that. I know they say that it would have been love either way but i never wanted to put you through this. I Love You. Undoubtly. You will be here when the time is right for both of us. I hope you understand. I really do. I think about you everyday and hope you are doing well. I know its weird to be writting about this, but i need to. I have to. I know you won't read it but i can't keep it inside all the time. That had to be the hardest thing i've ever had to do. To give you up. To let you go. I knew that later in life i might regret it. I hope you forgive me. I hope you still know that mommy would have loved you completly. mommy loved you when i found out that you were inside me. And so did daddy. I know that much was true. By this time i would have had you in my arms. Walking up to your smiling face..hard to imagine but i was looking forward to hearing you cry..lol. To whoever you would have been i know you would have been great. I still love you and think about you everyday. I hope you know that. I'm sorry. And i hope you forgive me for what i have done. One day you will understand. I hope. I Love You.

Sincerly,
Mommy
June 25, 2010

I'd blow my brains in your lap, lay here and die in your arms

I saw him last night and just layed in his arms for the longest time. Just took in his scent again. I missed it. He played with my hair and rubbed my back just like he used to. And i got the same feelings all over again, and i realized that no matter who i am with or what i do he's still there. A part of him is still in my heart. And it sucks. I'm not dwelling on him or anything i just know that he's still a part of my life. I still hear his voice on a daily basis for the most part but its not the same. Even if we get back together i won't be able to trust him fully but i know that i can't not have him in my life. It hurts still, oh god does it still hurt. My minds all over the place about the whole situation. I dont really know what it really means but i guess i wont know unless we talk about it. And to be honest i dont really want to talk about it for some reason. I kind of like the fact that i can just sit in his arms and be held by him again, even if we arent actually together. Maybe i like putting myself through this pain but i can't let him go. Not yet actually. And i dont know how i actually feel about that.All i really know is that it felt good to be back in his arms, even if just for that night. BTW, Eminems new album is sick. It's been on repeat for the last few days. Love the one with rihanna. Pretty much puts into context how im feeling right now..lol. I know this post had nothing to do with anything but i had to get it off my chest and theres not many people i can talk to about this, so my imaginary audience is better than no audience..lol.

lately i've been drinking like theres a message in a bottle

Literally..lol. Went to this club the last two weeks in a row. The bouncers keep saying happy birthday to me even though it was last month. I'm gonna ride it out until they stop saying it. The first time i had to pay 15 cause the lady put us on her guest list and the second time we got in free cause we were on the guestlist and there before 11. The bouncers are funny there. This guy sprayed champange over everybody so that sucked..lol. Everybody was dressed up the first time and i was really thuggin it. Tank top, jeans, and driving gloves. I was just not in the mood and i still got somebodies number that im never gonna use..lol. I love the summer.

Uggghh(Picture Heavy)

The past few weeks have been complete and utter hell. Myself and the fiance broke up :(. I've been paryting to forget about it all. Watching anything and everything to do with Bam Margera right now to help me heal and laugh and stuff like that. We talk still but its akward. I cried for the longest time but i feel better about it now because if its meant to be it will be thats how i look at it. But everything happens for a reason. I've been reconecting with friends i haven't talked to and seen in a while which has been nice. I'm okay now but god it was hard dealing with it at first. I still love him but ehhhhh... I'm just looking forward to seeing what happens this summer. Going camping for a few days with a friend and my family hopefully next month which will be nice. Havent been camping in a long ass time. I grew up camping every summer for as long as i can remember so it will be nice to spend some time away from the city. My cousin graduated high school this week and then we went out for dinner with the family. I havent seen my baby cousin (who no longer is a baby but i always call her that because shes the youngest.lol)in forever and she has to be the most adorable thing in the world. She came over and sat on my lap at the end of the night because she wanted to take pictures..lol. She took some herself and they came out pretty good. I've also been contemplating moving back to philly, my home town, because i havent been there in a while. I miss it. I moved to boston when i was young but still. I went back almost every year when i was growing up and had an amazing time there. So why not right? Its home so i think it might be a good place for me.

Giveaway :)

So ewwitsnikki is having an awsome giveaway on her blog and you should go check it out. Click on the picture to get sent directly to the post. :)