Hello Loves

I know, i know. I'm a terrible blogger. I've just been working all the time and by the time i get home im either exhausted or getting ready to go over the fiances house, so i haven't really been able to just relax. Working at macy's is going to be detremental to my health and finances lol. I've added quite extensively to my shoe collection and i seem to have a thing for boots. Oh and Happy Thanksgiving. I spent it with the fiances family. I bought my first purchase for the wedding and i saw a beautiful white dress sitting on the clearance rack that came out of nowhere it seemed. It was  a 99 dollar dress that because of the 25 percent of deal thats going on until the 6th of december plus my 20 percent employee discount on top of the fact that it was 65 percent off to begin with i will pretty much be getting that dress for super freaking cheap. I'm all about saving money. In other good news guess what im doing starting january 3, 2011?

I'm getting my cosmetology license. I'm starting at Empire beauty school. You don't understand why this is important to me. I've been thinking about this for years. Since i came back from the navy to be exact. Since 2007. Thats a long fucking time. And im glad that im actually doing it now. Its something that has become a passion of mine and i will be happy to be taking care of myself for once. It will be fanfuckingtabulous. I will graduate(if everything goes according to plan) on April 7, 2012. I might have to push back my wedding but we'll see. Since he was baptized Albanian Orthodox im pretty sure there are different things we have to do than what i wanted but im doing my research. If anybody has any clue let me know because i am beyond clueless. But im going to cut this post short cause i feel like absolute crap and i need sleep. Goodnight ladies and gentelman.

I know..I know....

I've been MIA for what seems like forever. Working two jobs, and spending time with my fiance and stuff i've just been exhausted. I'm hardly ever home and i don't have a laptop anymore so i really can't blog whenever i want to..lol. On sunday me and the fiance went to see Jackass 3D..that shit was hilariousssssssssss hahahahahaha..We were laughing the whole time. Working at macy's is like a blessing and a curse. I love having my 20 percent off discount and since i have a little tiny bit of a makeup obssesion it's nice to have to pay full price but you know oh well..I'm young, working two jobs so i guess i'm going to enjoy it right now..lol. I bought a new foundation and concealer from Mac and tomorrow morning i might get the Mineralized skin finish or something...i want new eye shadow too..but we'll see..lol. So i should be back in a few weeks. Maybe with some outfits of the day of what i wear to work but we'll seeeeee. Kisses.

Sorry i've been MIA

This is my first real day in the past couple of weeks where i've been off and able to just relaz all day. I've been trying to balance two jobs, one at the temp plae where i waitress and the other one i just started at macys and i officially start tomorrow morning, and spending time with my fiance and all that shit. So this is a short post just to tell you that i'm still here. I have a twitter @_sobeautiful_ so feel free to follow me there and all that jazz. If you have one i will follow you back. Smooches to all of you guys.

Giveaway

The lovely Beverly is having a giveaway on her blog and she's giving away great items. So if you like free makeup go enter. She's beautiful and does amazing makeup. Just click the picture to be taken to her blog.

Upcoming CSN Review

So i was contacted by CSN to do a product review.If you haven't heard of them before they have over 200 stores that sell everything from shoes and handbags to excersise products. You can even buy a bar stool if you want one. Since im getting married and need to whip myself into shape i decided to try one of the excersise dvds so expect that review soon.

Sorry i've been mia for a while. This new job has been kicking my ass with the schedule. I should be back in a while. Thanks.

30 Day Blog Challenge-Day 7

Day 7 - Your dream wedding

Since im actually planning my wedding this one is pretty easy for me. I'm all about simplicity. Everything relaxed and easy. No stress. No fuss. No extra stuff. Black and white with red and silver accents.

Isnt it beautiful? It's called Glen Magna Farms in Danvers and thats where i want to have it. It was going to be on a beach but since my grandma can't walk on sand it's easier this way.

I don't want to buy a normal wedding dress because its cheaper to buy a normal white or cream or ivory dress and i want to wear these cause i don't really do heels that much and Rob doesnt want me to be taller than him so this is the next best thing. And i want to be casual and relaxed. That way i can dance allllll night and my feet wont hurt :)

On other news

 I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!! Almost a year later i finally have a job. It's a temp position and i pretty much work when i want to. I'm going to be working for this company called event temps where i help cater events. I want to become a waitress until i figure out what i want to do with my life fully and it will be a great way to get experience.

Me and the Fiance went to see The Town on Sunday for our anniversary. Oh Emm Gee, it is so good. I loved it. Some funny as hell parts too. Ben Affleck is an amazing director on top of being a great actor. And because he's actually from boston he doesn't have to fake that lovely boston accent some people seem to have. So i recommend it if you haven't seen it. It was filmed in Charelstown and all over boston so you pretty much get to see the lovely city i live in. Jeremy Renner is fucking hot to me. And it is true. Charelstown is the bank robbery capital of the world. The most bank robbers have come from there than any other place in america. Oh well. Lol. Go see it. Its amazing.

30 Day Blog Challenge-Day 6

Day 6 - A photo of an animal you'd love to keep as a pet.

This is probably going to sound weird. But i have an obssession with big cats but i can't stand small animals most of the time. I've had fish, turtles, cats and dogs but i refuse to have mice, hamsters, snakes or anything like that. It's weird. So in that sense i woul love to have a Snow Leopard. I love them. They look so majestic. I mean, how can you say no to this face. If they ever find a way to domesticate an animal like this i will be more than willing to buy one.

Today is me and my fiances anniversary so i wanted to get this post out fast before we actually went and did something. Tomorrows post most likely wont be from the 30 day challenge but i still want to post something. 

I love you babe. Thanks for sticking by me while i go through a shit load of this stuff. You are the best.

30 Day Blog Challenge-Day 5

Day 5 - A photo of yourself two years ago.

Ahh yes, i had just chopped off all my hair, dyed it jet black and was super happy with it. This was at the end of 2008 i believe right before things started going completly crappy and downhill. I was wearing my ex boyfriends chain and sunnies. Oh well. You live and you learn right?

30 Day Blog Challenge-Day 4

Day 4 - Your favorite photograph of your best friend.

Ahh, my best friend. I actually have a few best friends. Is that okay? I don't care. I'll have as many friends as i want..lol. But I'm only putting up one because i don't have many of my other ones.

That's my baby with the fish(one of many) he caught this summer and his kayak. He loves fishing and he's happy while he does it. He does the whole catch and release thing because he just like catching them. He wants other people to be able to catch them too. That's why i love him. When hes determined, hes determined. lol. I love you pumpkin.




Oh, and thank you to everybody who's following me now. I appreciate it. It makes me feel loved. Big Hugs :D

30 Day Challenge-Day 3

Day 3 - Your idea of the perfect first date

Anything where you get to have fun and talk to each other. No more first dates for me though. Although we still do things like this on occasion. It's all about keeping the love alive and still having fun with each other. I mean in high school all we would do is go to movies and stuff because you spent all day together at school but now that I'm an adult and doing adult things i want something a little bit more fun.

I'm also a big baseball fan Go Red Sox so if it's baseball season that would be awsome. It would be even cooler if it was during the playoffs and we got tickets.

30 Day Blog Challenge-Day 2

Day 2-A picture of something you ate today

Roasted Chicken and Potatoes. OMG it was good. It looks distorted and stuff in the pictures but it was delish. Blackberry cameras aren't the best but I love this phone. My addiction. :)
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

30 day blog challenge

So I thought I'd give it a try and see how long it lasts for.

Day 1-A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.

Today was alright. Didn't do much but chill and help my mom out around the house. I miss my fiancee(is it with one or two e's if its a guy? I don't know much of the proper ettiquete.) seeing as we don't live together yet. Not until we get married. But yeah. Day 1-accomplished. Only a 29 more days to go..lol.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Spirituality, Religion and Body Modificiation

So the other day i was watching The View i believe and there was a news story about a young girl who was being suspended from school because she had a nose piercing and supposedly it violated her school dress code. She says it goes against her first amendment right seeing as she is a member of The Church of Body Modification. Now i have never heard about it and seeing as i am one of those people that likes to research anything and everything that interests me i googled it. Now I'm not big on religion whatsoever and i hardly go to church unless i have to for some reason. I consider myself an agnostic (i don't say that god doesn't exist i just can't say that he does without some type of evidence that he does in a nutshell and because nobody can tell me that they have seen him or her i don't have the evidence i need). Anyway, i looked up the church and read the mission statement and it said

"We, the congregation of the Church of Body Modification, will always respect our bodies. We promise to always grow as individuals through body modification and what it can teach us about who we are and what we can do. We vow to share our experiences openly and honestly in order to promote growth in mind, body, and soul. We honor all forms of body modification and those who choose to practice body modification for any reason. We also promise to respect those who do not choose body modification. We support all that join us in our mission and help those seeking us in need of spiritual guidance. We strive to share a positive message with everyone we encounter, in order to act as positive role models for future generations in the body modification community. We always uphold basic codes of ethics and encourage others to do the same. We are a dynamic community, always growing and changing, continually promoting safety, education, and experience in body modification."

And i do believe that getting a piece of metal stuck through your body or to have a needle repeatedly stab through your flesh to put a piece of art or words or whatever it may be permanently on your body is pretty spiritual. Personally, it kind of puts me in a trance when i get them done. I love it. I love the feeling. The way it looks when done properly. The beauty of them. The fact that you can pretty much wear your heart on your sleeve(or arm, or neck, or leg or whatever it may be). I have this obsession with them. The fact that you have to prepare yourself for that initial pain. It's beautiful. Deciding that you want to change something about yourself is a focus. It's not like changing your hair color or the shoes on your feet. You can change that if you don't like it. Getting a piece of art placed on the outside of you body can be done beautifully if done correctly. I love every one of my tattoos and piercings and i know that later in life when I'm old and gray and saggy i won't care. To be honest I'll still probably show them off. All of them show dedication to certain aspects of my life. My "Twitch" one stands for my time in the navy. My "what goes around comes around" one stands to remind me that everything i do will be returned to me. Good things come to good people. Like attracts like. Karma is a bitch. And my last name is just that, my last name. It's beauty to me. It's my connection to my family where ever i am. My maiden name. Because when i am officially married i will be taken my husband to be name. And i will be getting both his first and last name as a tattoo on my body. Why? Because he will always be my first husband and i will always be his first wife.

Body modification pretty much means anything that changes your body or appearance. There are tattoos and piercings. Scarification. Implants.Amputations. Corseting/Waist Training. Ear cropping. Elf Ears.And Tongue Splitting. So now you know my opinion.

It's all a little bit crazy in here

Let me preface this by saying that I'm not complaining about my life. I know it could be worse. I could be homeless or have a missing limb or something. I understand that. I just need to vent somehow.

Have you ever woken up and felt like you wanted to just close your eyes and hope that everything is a dream? I feel like i had everything in my life for the taking and because of some stupid decisions i made i have nothing now. Which i guess is kind of true now. Yes i have a roof over my head but i was doing so much better for myself two years ago. I had a amazing job that i was relatively happy at, making a decent wage with some amazing things going for me and now it seems like i have to start all over again. It's hard. Especially in this economy. All i want to do is wake up and hope that this is all a dream. I still have psychological issues regarding my ex boyfriend and the fact that i would have had a baby right now. Things like that stick with me. No  matter how hard i try to not let it affect me it does. Don't get me wrong i love my fiance. He is an amazing man and even after everything we have been through together in this short year relationship i wouldn't trade him for the world. I just wonder sometimes about everything else that would have happened in my life if i had stayed in Vegas. If i had had the baby. If i had married my ex. But things happen for a reason so i try to think about the good things in life instead of all the bad.

I also feel like with all my medical issues i need to get those things situated. I need to go back on my medications. To go back to therapy. Not because i think I'm crazy but because i wake up some mornings wanting to just kill myself. I know, how dramatic right? But I'm serious. I've even gone as far as figuring out how i was going to do without endangering anybody else. I know some people might think suicide is selfish but I'm not religious in any sense. I'm agnostic. It's a problem. Bipolar/Depression is not an easy disease. Some days i feel like nothing in my life will be going right so whats the point of even being here. It's not something i enjoy having nor is it something that i pretend to have. I have it. I have to deal with it. And when i get my medications i feel like i will be a little more situated. At least with that. I also have my twitches/weird seizure things that nobody has been able to even figure out about. And the fact that i was recently diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder. I mean, really, what else can go wrong with me? And every time i freak out on him he still just makes me laugh regardless. I can't help but smile and laugh around him. What more could i ask for in a man? Just thinking about him I'm laughing. I don't know if that's odd but i love it.

The Dress

Since before i started planning this wedding i knew what i wanted. I always have. Something simple and relaxed. Nothing fancy or over the top. As long as at the end of the day i am married to my best friend and the man i love that is all that matters to me. I've been looking for that dress. You know what i mean. That one perfect dress that when you walk down the aisle your soon to be mr will be blown away by. Even though i want it to be simple doesnt mean i want to lose the effect. I've always been a simple kind of girl. I don't like things over the top. I like jeans and t-shirts. I'm not big on heels.

The simplicity of this dress with the open back is just beautiful to me. It has just the right amount of sparkle. This will be the dress i will be walking down the aisle in. I can say that Rob who is my fiance won't be reading my blog cause he doesn't know my url..lol. I love him though.

Until Next Time Ladies

Denise Nicole

Love is Love

So i've gotten those looks before. Although alot less than before. A look like why is a this black women holding hands with a white man? Let me say that i don't personally care what people think about me. But from the beginning i've gotten these looks. I've even told very few man that i wasnt interested because i wasnt attracted to them. I've gotten the "Are you serious ma?" or "You don't know what you're missing" or my personal favorite one, The Blank Stare like i have five heads. I don't care. Since i've started liking boys i've always been drawn to the ones who looked nothing like me. I.E. White, light eyes. I don't know why i feel like this but i do. Deep down im sure it stems from childhood trauma but i like it. I'm used to the looks. The stares. The comments. I know interacial relationships are so more common now but when you're in certain areas you still get those looks. Especially when that said man is blasting dancehall and knows every word.lol. I don't mind those looks anymore. I love them actually. How could you not? If my life is so important that you have to care who i'm in love with than great. It makes me feel special. White man are who im attracted to. My fiance is white and i love him for everything he is, not just his skin color. Love is love and color has absolutly nothing to do with anything.

Job Interview

So i had a job interview for H&M today. Hopefully that went well. Thought id post my look cause i actually put eyeshadow on today which never happens in the summer cause its so hot. Me and the fiance have been spending a rediculous amount of time together which his dad doesnt really like but oh well. I have also decided on the colors of the wedding and we've officially set a date for April 15, 2012. I've asked my maid of honor and one of my bridesmaids but i dont know who to choose for my other one. I'm thinking of asking my hair dresser cause we're really close even though she's my hair dresser. We have a weird relationship.


And this was my face of the day from Friday when i spent the day waiting for Rob to get off work.

That's the albanian flag cause his adoptive family is albanian so he considers himself the same. Im probably going to be updating with more wedding stuff as soon as i get some other things settled, such as a job..lol.

Until next time.

This weekend

So this weekend i went fishing. I dont fish, i just sit there and watch them fish and i take pictures of whats going on and incase he catches a fish. Which he hasnt but im there just incase he does. He was soo close to catching one on saturday morning but the fish spit out the hook.


This was at like 430 in the morning on saturday. We were up at 3 to catch the tide. Let me tell you, it was freazzzingg. I was freazzing. Then when the sun actually came up the husband took off his sweatshirt and gave it to me because i was still freazing. But him and his cousin found a bunch of clams for live bait for later in the day.



The rest of these pictures were from later that day when we all went to deer island and walked out onto the jetty so that they could go fishing. Again, i was cold as all hell. Babe thinks i have anemia or something cause im always cold. So we had matching tops on. It was cute. I had his machine tech sweatshirt and he had the actual shirt on. It was pretty cool to be out there.




And then babe found this and gave it to me. It was the cutest thing.


It was fun. I've spent a ridculous amount of time with him now. And we're really enjoying it. And he's changed. For good. Hes alot more attentive and sweet and doesn't take me for granted anymore. I love it. And im really excited for 2012. Hopefully it will be before that. But we'll see.

Giveaway :)

Ewwwitsnikkis snorg tee giveaway

(click the picture to be taken to her blog)

I need something new

I need something new. Facebook is boring now. Myspace is played out. Ughhh.

BTW Planning sucks sometimes.

That is all

Dueces

Photography

So, yesterday i went out with Emily. She's the best person in the world. Mad chill. It was nice to talk to see her. We went to castle island near my house and just hung out and took some pictures. I felt really inadequate compared to her because she had this awsome camera i only have my point and shoot. One day i will. The pictures came out nice cause it was during the sunset over the water. I like em. No editing only because i dont have photoshop or anything. These are raw shots. I think they turned out pretty nice. I'm proud of myself.

To You,

You are the one thing on my mind recently.I will never forget about you. If you would have looked more like him or me. If i made the right decision. I do hope you forgive me. I swear on everything i love i thought it would be best for you. If you knew what i had to deal with i doubt you would have wanted to be here for that. I know they say that it would have been love either way but i never wanted to put you through this. I Love You. Undoubtly. You will be here when the time is right for both of us. I hope you understand. I really do. I think about you everyday and hope you are doing well. I know its weird to be writting about this, but i need to. I have to. I know you won't read it but i can't keep it inside all the time. That had to be the hardest thing i've ever had to do. To give you up. To let you go. I knew that later in life i might regret it. I hope you forgive me. I hope you still know that mommy would have loved you completly. mommy loved you when i found out that you were inside me. And so did daddy. I know that much was true. By this time i would have had you in my arms. Walking up to your smiling face..hard to imagine but i was looking forward to hearing you cry..lol. To whoever you would have been i know you would have been great. I still love you and think about you everyday. I hope you know that. I'm sorry. And i hope you forgive me for what i have done. One day you will understand. I hope. I Love You.

Sincerly,
Mommy
June 25, 2010

I'd blow my brains in your lap, lay here and die in your arms

I saw him last night and just layed in his arms for the longest time. Just took in his scent again. I missed it. He played with my hair and rubbed my back just like he used to. And i got the same feelings all over again, and i realized that no matter who i am with or what i do he's still there. A part of him is still in my heart. And it sucks. I'm not dwelling on him or anything i just know that he's still a part of my life. I still hear his voice on a daily basis for the most part but its not the same. Even if we get back together i won't be able to trust him fully but i know that i can't not have him in my life. It hurts still, oh god does it still hurt. My minds all over the place about the whole situation. I dont really know what it really means but i guess i wont know unless we talk about it. And to be honest i dont really want to talk about it for some reason. I kind of like the fact that i can just sit in his arms and be held by him again, even if we arent actually together. Maybe i like putting myself through this pain but i can't let him go. Not yet actually. And i dont know how i actually feel about that.All i really know is that it felt good to be back in his arms, even if just for that night. BTW, Eminems new album is sick. It's been on repeat for the last few days. Love the one with rihanna. Pretty much puts into context how im feeling right now..lol. I know this post had nothing to do with anything but i had to get it off my chest and theres not many people i can talk to about this, so my imaginary audience is better than no audience..lol.

lately i've been drinking like theres a message in a bottle

Literally..lol. Went to this club the last two weeks in a row. The bouncers keep saying happy birthday to me even though it was last month. I'm gonna ride it out until they stop saying it. The first time i had to pay 15 cause the lady put us on her guest list and the second time we got in free cause we were on the guestlist and there before 11. The bouncers are funny there. This guy sprayed champange over everybody so that sucked..lol. Everybody was dressed up the first time and i was really thuggin it. Tank top, jeans, and driving gloves. I was just not in the mood and i still got somebodies number that im never gonna use..lol. I love the summer.

Uggghh(Picture Heavy)

The past few weeks have been complete and utter hell. Myself and the fiance broke up :(. I've been paryting to forget about it all. Watching anything and everything to do with Bam Margera right now to help me heal and laugh and stuff like that. We talk still but its akward. I cried for the longest time but i feel better about it now because if its meant to be it will be thats how i look at it. But everything happens for a reason. I've been reconecting with friends i haven't talked to and seen in a while which has been nice. I'm okay now but god it was hard dealing with it at first. I still love him but ehhhhh... I'm just looking forward to seeing what happens this summer. Going camping for a few days with a friend and my family hopefully next month which will be nice. Havent been camping in a long ass time. I grew up camping every summer for as long as i can remember so it will be nice to spend some time away from the city. My cousin graduated high school this week and then we went out for dinner with the family. I havent seen my baby cousin (who no longer is a baby but i always call her that because shes the youngest.lol)in forever and she has to be the most adorable thing in the world. She came over and sat on my lap at the end of the night because she wanted to take pictures..lol. She took some herself and they came out pretty good. I've also been contemplating moving back to philly, my home town, because i havent been there in a while. I miss it. I moved to boston when i was young but still. I went back almost every year when i was growing up and had an amazing time there. So why not right? Its home so i think it might be a good place for me.