I'd blow my brains in your lap, lay here and die in your arms

I saw him last night and just layed in his arms for the longest time. Just took in his scent again. I missed it. He played with my hair and rubbed my back just like he used to. And i got the same feelings all over again, and i realized that no matter who i am with or what i do he's still there. A part of him is still in my heart. And it sucks. I'm not dwelling on him or anything i just know that he's still a part of my life. I still hear his voice on a daily basis for the most part but its not the same. Even if we get back together i won't be able to trust him fully but i know that i can't not have him in my life. It hurts still, oh god does it still hurt. My minds all over the place about the whole situation. I dont really know what it really means but i guess i wont know unless we talk about it. And to be honest i dont really want to talk about it for some reason. I kind of like the fact that i can just sit in his arms and be held by him again, even if we arent actually together. Maybe i like putting myself through this pain but i can't let him go. Not yet actually. And i dont know how i actually feel about that.All i really know is that it felt good to be back in his arms, even if just for that night. BTW, Eminems new album is sick. It's been on repeat for the last few days. Love the one with rihanna. Pretty much puts into context how im feeling right now..lol. I know this post had nothing to do with anything but i had to get it off my chest and theres not many people i can talk to about this, so my imaginary audience is better than no audience..lol.