ughhh

As he sits out there playing madden once again, i sit here confused. I keep running away from him and yet somehow he keeps pulling me back. As if to know that i want to be with him more than anything else in the world. Which is true. But is the life we have right now the life i really want. I know he says he'll take care of me but i'm scared. I wonder if i got myself too far into everything with him. I have no job anymore because he has a way of persuading me into doing whatever he wants me to do. He has a way of making me do what he wants. Even if i know in my heart i don't want to i will do whatever he wants me to. I think im pregnant and even though i know he would be a great dad if i am i'm still scared about the whole thing. That maybe im rushing into everything. I wonder if i rushed into everything with him. 6 months after metting him im married, moving to a completly different state with nobody i know to help me or talk to, and possibly a baby to take care of. I do love him with my whole heart, i just wonder if right now this is the right desicion for both of us. I know in my heart i will keep running away from him and he keeps saying that he will keep chasing after me. I have thought about killing myself to get away from this. I have thought about taking this child and never telling him that i have this child. The hardest part is listening to him tell me that he wants to kill me, or that he will put his money into finding me, he won't let me leave and im scared. Really scared that one day i won't be around anymore. I wish i could walk away from this man but i can't. We've gotten into fights about everything and anything.He has hit me, chased me everywhere, yelled my name and has cried in my arms. I don't know how to get away from him and i don't think i want to really. He has given me so much more love than i could have asked for from anybody.But im super worried that at some point were gonna fall apart and its not going to work. I really don't want to be 30 years old, divorced with 4 kids.It's not even cool. but i guess you don't know until it happens. <33