I'd blow my brains in your lap, lay here and die in your arms

I saw him last night and just layed in his arms for the longest time. Just took in his scent again. I missed it. He played with my hair and rubbed my back just like he used to. And i got the same feelings all over again, and i realized that no matter who i am with or what i do he's still there. A part of him is still in my heart. And it sucks. I'm not dwelling on him or anything i just know that he's still a part of my life. I still hear his voice on a daily basis for the most part but its not the same. Even if we get back together i won't be able to trust him fully but i know that i can't not have him in my life. It hurts still, oh god does it still hurt. My minds all over the place about the whole situation. I dont really know what it really means but i guess i wont know unless we talk about it. And to be honest i dont really want to talk about it for some reason. I kind of like the fact that i can just sit in his arms and be held by him again, even if we arent actually together. Maybe i like putting myself through this pain but i can't let him go. Not yet actually. And i dont know how i actually feel about that.All i really know is that it felt good to be back in his arms, even if just for that night. BTW, Eminems new album is sick. It's been on repeat for the last few days. Love the one with rihanna. Pretty much puts into context how im feeling right now..lol. I know this post had nothing to do with anything but i had to get it off my chest and theres not many people i can talk to about this, so my imaginary audience is better than no audience..lol.

lately i've been drinking like theres a message in a bottle

Literally..lol. Went to this club the last two weeks in a row. The bouncers keep saying happy birthday to me even though it was last month. I'm gonna ride it out until they stop saying it. The first time i had to pay 15 cause the lady put us on her guest list and the second time we got in free cause we were on the guestlist and there before 11. The bouncers are funny there. This guy sprayed champange over everybody so that sucked..lol. Everybody was dressed up the first time and i was really thuggin it. Tank top, jeans, and driving gloves. I was just not in the mood and i still got somebodies number that im never gonna use..lol. I love the summer.

Uggghh(Picture Heavy)

The past few weeks have been complete and utter hell. Myself and the fiance broke up :(. I've been paryting to forget about it all. Watching anything and everything to do with Bam Margera right now to help me heal and laugh and stuff like that. We talk still but its akward. I cried for the longest time but i feel better about it now because if its meant to be it will be thats how i look at it. But everything happens for a reason. I've been reconecting with friends i haven't talked to and seen in a while which has been nice. I'm okay now but god it was hard dealing with it at first. I still love him but ehhhhh... I'm just looking forward to seeing what happens this summer. Going camping for a few days with a friend and my family hopefully next month which will be nice. Havent been camping in a long ass time. I grew up camping every summer for as long as i can remember so it will be nice to spend some time away from the city. My cousin graduated high school this week and then we went out for dinner with the family. I havent seen my baby cousin (who no longer is a baby but i always call her that because shes the youngest.lol)in forever and she has to be the most adorable thing in the world. She came over and sat on my lap at the end of the night because she wanted to take pictures..lol. She took some herself and they came out pretty good. I've also been contemplating moving back to philly, my home town, because i havent been there in a while. I miss it. I moved to boston when i was young but still. I went back almost every year when i was growing up and had an amazing time there. So why not right? Its home so i think it might be a good place for me.

Giveaway :)

So ewwitsnikki is having an awsome giveaway on her blog and you should go check it out. Click on the picture to get sent directly to the post. :)

Since im waiting

im waiting for the hubby to come pick me up cause we're going to a bbq in new hampshire at his cousins house. So i thought i'd take pictures of the makeup i did today. Its not the best pictures cause im still figuring out how to get the best pics with my new camera. If anybody has any tips that would be greatly appreciated. I have the Nikon Coolpix L22 so yeah. No close ups cause they all came out really crappy but i tried a new color combo and i really liked it. If you want to know what i used i can put it up here later.

I'm also trying to decide where exactly i want to have my wedding. I have a few hotels on the beach that have packages on the cape that i have to price out and that way i have a place to do the reception and its easier. Everybody can stay in the hotel for as long as they want and me and rob can stay there for a few days cause i dont really want to go anyplace else. That might change as i still have till next year but right now thats what i think i want.

Toodles for now

Happy Birthday To Me :D

So i turned 21 yesterday. Super exciting. It was pretty cool. Got a new digital camera from my mom got some money from my family and i went to my first adult club...lol. Me and the boyfriend got into a fight and he was supposed to get me something but i dont know. Its cool though. Im good with that. It was my friends birthday from when i worked for the TSA so went to celebrate together. I thought it was gonna be wack cause it was a thursday nite but it was pretty awsome. And i got pretty toasty on a few cups of captain and coke that i didnt pay for. I love it when its your birthday, you dont have to pay for a damn thing :) But it was awsome, stayed out till like 3 cause i had nothing to do today. I met up with a lot of people i used to know from my past life. It was pretty cool. I love being 21. Now i can do anything i want and its LEGAL..lol. All these pictures were taken before i got realllyyyy drunk..lol.






The birthday boy. He has the same birthday as me. I used to call him my twinny when we worked together. It was funn. I miss working there. Good times. For the most part.

He for some reason can't take pictures with his eyes open for the life of him..lol. The best guy friend a girl can have. He's been through some of the hardest times with me and i really appreciate that from him.I used to have the biggest crush on him but i pretty much got over it and now we're ineseperable because hes the guy i run to with all my issues. Since high school. I remember i wrote him a love letter and it was really akward after that but in the summer it was pretty much fine..lol. Oh high school. Good times, when all you had to worry about was what you were gonna wear the next day and passing grades..lol. My lovely Carlos. He's the bestest..lol. I'm looking forward to the rest of this weekend. Im going to see my girl in ct whom i havent seen in forever it seems. I miss her. I need some time away from boston even if for a little bit. I love the girl. Like my sister. More pictures from my birthday weekend coming later :)

Graduation :)

So, the past 6 weeks have been the most tiring and intensive thing i've ever done. But i swear i am glad i went through it. 9-5 monday through friday was hell but i stuck with it. Oh my god i am so proud of myself. I never thought i would be able to do it. After the past few months i have been through i feel like i accomplished so much and im glad i've had Robert standing by myside. I want to make everything great for us in the future because i know he will be my future. I did this program because i thought i would just get a job but it has taught me so much about myself. It was an amazing 6 weeks for the people i met and the friends i have gained. I know this will be just the beginning for everything in my life. As soon i have the actually graduation on friday i might actually have pictures to add to this post but for now im just super excited for the fact that i made it through this process. The only place i can go from here is up so thats exactly where i plan on going :D