Let me preface this by saying that I'm not complaining about my life. I know it could be worse. I could be homeless or have a missing limb or something. I understand that. I just need to vent somehow.
Have you ever woken up and felt like you wanted to just close your eyes and hope that everything is a dream? I feel like i had everything in my life for the taking and because of some stupid decisions i made i have nothing now. Which i guess is kind of true now. Yes i have a roof over my head but i was doing so much better for myself two years ago. I had a amazing job that i was relatively happy at, making a decent wage with some amazing things going for me and now it seems like i have to start all over again. It's hard. Especially in this economy. All i want to do is wake up and hope that this is all a dream. I still have psychological issues regarding my ex boyfriend and the fact that i would have had a baby right now. Things like that stick with me. No matter how hard i try to not let it affect me it does. Don't get me wrong i love my fiance. He is an amazing man and even after everything we have been through together in this short year relationship i wouldn't trade him for the world. I just wonder sometimes about everything else that would have happened in my life if i had stayed in Vegas. If i had had the baby. If i had married my ex. But things happen for a reason so i try to think about the good things in life instead of all the bad.
I also feel like with all my medical issues i need to get those things situated. I need to go back on my medications. To go back to therapy. Not because i think I'm crazy but because i wake up some mornings wanting to just kill myself. I know, how dramatic right? But I'm serious. I've even gone as far as figuring out how i was going to do without endangering anybody else. I know some people might think suicide is selfish but I'm not religious in any sense. I'm agnostic. It's a problem. Bipolar/Depression is not an easy disease. Some days i feel like nothing in my life will be going right so whats the point of even being here. It's not something i enjoy having nor is it something that i pretend to have. I have it. I have to deal with it. And when i get my medications i feel like i will be a little more situated. At least with that. I also have my twitches/weird seizure things that nobody has been able to even figure out about. And the fact that i was recently diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder. I mean, really, what else can go wrong with me? And every time i freak out on him he still just makes me laugh regardless. I can't help but smile and laugh around him. What more could i ask for in a man? Just thinking about him I'm laughing. I don't know if that's odd but i love it.
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